Grief

My sweet Momma has been in heaven almost 6 months now. 6 months. I can't even fathom it some days. A lot of days. Especially days when I want to call her, which is pretty much every day. I miss her in ways words can't express. I'm feeling like the bird in the middle. I don't want to be nice. I don't want to be around anyone else's Mother, no offense. I don't want to do things I would do with her with anyone else. It hurts me to think of it. Bad. I don't want to share. I don't want to join in some days. I.just.don't. I suppose that is what grief looks like. And, like she and I discussed hundreds of times, this whole.entire.first.year, I get a buy. It's the same kind of understanding I would and have given to other people and it's what I desperately desire myself. Just let me do it how I can cope the best and give me grace in the mean time. I'm hurting and it may not look like it on the outside, but tears stream on the inside. Especially with all that is changing right now that she was a part of, would have been in the middle of, that I want her, and only her, to help with. So, when you see me, smile, hug me when you see I need it, give me space if I don't respond and don't try to help me for Pete's sake, unless I ask. I'm trying. Grief is a hard thing.

 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

Stretching

 

Last weekend was Labor Day Weekend and as I type that I am thinking it was labeled correctly. A friend texted me what I was humbled and awed by (because I posted that on FB) and this was my reply:

Just an amazing, awe-inspiring, humbling 'cause my attitude got addressed BIG time and God's revealing some of His plans for us here kind of weekend. Loving on some broken kids hearts here at the park. I want to adopt all 3 of them. Wading through my crappy, menopausal (TMI, sorry), not trusting Him, bad mood/attitude. And, He is so gracious. Balled all through church this morning because God is just sooooo BIG. And, He's showing me lots of "He must increase and I must decrease." ... It's good and humbling and growing TONS and stretching and goodbye curses, you know Goliath's brothers, trying to hang around and lots of great googly-moogly, really.

I asked and He's answering. No words by how happy that makes me, even if I don't want to hear the answers some of the time. Even if it means raking off some more fleshy gunk. There is much He is doing over here. Much in my heart. Much in our lives. Much. And, He is revealing much. I love it. It's awesome. It's painful at times. It's growing and stretching and surrender and trust and I wouldn't want it any other way.

A Small Sampling ...

... of what can be found on the hubs phone photo gallery, downloaded of course. Have I mentioned lately that I adore this man and am so beyond thankful God gave me him to do life with?!

Love these three ... HUGE!

Father/Daughter Guided Fishing Trip last year.

Niece's CRAZY hair idea. Loved it!

What was left of a rattler he killed ... he removed the rattle. Ick!

Head board idea and I'm kinda liking it. :)

Seat on plane to London, England.

Castle in London. Rough work trip, eh?!

One of our creative chicks invention at the storage unit.

Mountains. Work trip in Colorado or Utah, can't recall which.

Can't miss a golf course photo op. It's a requirement!

Look at this sunset!

Oh.Snap!!

Yes. Yes. Yes. And, amen. And, yes. Did I say that? I'll say it again ... YES!!! I cannot start this post without stating I am guilty as charged on many accounts. Repenting. We live in a world where people communicate by electronics only and it is just WRONG. It is satan's tool for messing up communication, messing up relationships, stealing joy, stealing activity and just plain stealing. There, I said it. Let me also say that social media and electronic communication has its place, but all in good measure and used with wisdom. We are raising a society of kids that do not make eye contact with any one person. Just a rectangle that fits in their hands. Real, true, deep relationships are not built that way. People are not who they really are and life doesn't genuinely look like what is written or posted or photographed on FaceBook or Instagram or whatever other media program one might choose.

 

Jesus said, "I come to give life and life to the full." He was into relationships. He was a face-to-face kind of guy. He sat with people. He ate with people. He gave them His focused, full, undivided attention. I would even be willing to bet He would've written letters and thank you notes (sadly a lost art these days), after all the Bible is a large grouping of letters inspired and Divinely Purposed by Him.

 

We are stepping off the media ladder. It's time to set limits, break habits and establish real life-giving, life-producing routines. We won't have a t.v. for a couple of weeks and that's fine with me. We will have space to move about, play, be creative, create, use our God-given imagination and I, for one, can.not.wait! Bring on the conversation!

 

*Editor's Note: I did find this photo on FB. :( And, I think that little nugget solidifies my resolve even more.

Wash Me Clean

I'm making dinner. The hubs and kids are at the pool. I am listening to my Playlist on iTunes. And, I am broken. Weeping before a Holy God. My mind wanders through the places it is led. Some places I don't like. Places I feel inclined to judge. Lots of things. Someone's behavior choices. Another's lack of appropriate choices. Angry at the kids caught in the crossfire. I see the destruction. Hearts broken and bleeding and trying to fake it. I’m angry I'm not making better choices, setting a better example. Especially with my words. Ugly words. Angry at the times I see myself being okay with "common," instead of standing against it and walking in God's "normal."  Getting frustrated because I can’t force people to see it that way. Why am I not making what is important, important. And, what is important? To act justly. To love mercy. To walk humbly with our God. (Micah 6:8)

I find myself fighting the lie that it has to be done "my" way or it's not right. And, the Lord gently shows me how "my" way isn't necessarily the only way or the right way and my job is to pray others to and through what He has planned.

I am overwhelmed by the ugliness of this world. I want to be a big mother hen and pull my kids and, some days my husband, close and protect them from all that is evil. But God ... He jumped right in the middle. He loved people. Where they were. He was not changed, never changed by the world He was in. He never waivered, never compromised, never judged sinners because sinners' sin. It's their job. He just loved. He talked to the Father and trusted Him and His plan. He breathed His Heavenly Father and spilled Him on everyone He met and in everything He did. He walked forward to the cross with us in mind. He loved. He loves me. And, because He loves me, I have no excuse not to love, forgive, serve and love some more.

God help me. To look fully to You for every-last-stinking-small-insignificant-thing to every huge-brawling-going-to-drown-me-thing. Every.single.moment.of.the.day. That’s where I want to be … on my knees, always, talking with the Most Holy God.

"Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."

- Psalm 51:7 (NIV)

Not Common

I'll be honest, here is where I am with this. Here is my petition to God. Lord, show me where I have given up what is "normal" for what is "common." And, where am I allowing it in my life and in the lives of my children. The whole phrase struck me in January when we were listening to Jimmy Evans. He said there are many, many, many things in this world that are "common," but they are absolutely not "normal" regardless of whether we accept them as that way or not. Wow. Really. Just wow.

I looked up those words in my trusty 1828 Webster's Dictionary.

NORMAL: According to a rule or principle.

COMMON: Belonging equally to more than one, or to many indefinitely; as life and sense are common to man and beast; the common privileges of citizens; the common wants of man; belonging to the public, having no separate owner; general; serving for the use of all; public; usual; ordinary; of no rank or superior excellence. Applied to things, it signifies, not distinguished by excellence or superiority.

 

Uhmmm, "common," no thank you. I want "normal." I want God's normal. And, what's more, as believers "normal" is not a secret. It's spelled out in the Bible. It's called God's will for us and it is no mystery. Humbled. Seeking His face for the places we have substituted what is common in the eyes of the world, what is accepted as normal, but really isn't. 

 

See, Jesus wasn't a boring guy. He laughed. He lived. He loved. He didn't lack. He didn't compare. He never, ever, ever compromised. And, His favorite place to be was smack in the middle of sinners showing them the way. People were absolutely drawn to Him. People absolutely still are drawn to Him, by Him. Why follow a guy who is plain vanilla? Jesus rocked it and He rocked it with those of us ... me ... who need Him. No compromising. No "common." Only "normal." God's way. Oh, Lord, help me to live this way.

"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

A New Season

We have prayed a long time, like more-than-four years of a long time, for our next new season. For God's promises to begin to come to fruition. Our friends have prayed with us. People we don't even know well have prayed with us. And, truth be told, we hoped and prayed and dreamed and wished our new season would start back in Fort Worth, where our heart family are, where our heart church is, where everything is familiar, where our children were born. It even looked like a remote possibility. But God ... He has another plan. It's a good plan. One that is meant to prosper us, to give us hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11).

 

I'm fairly certain part of our promises coming to fruition began when our prayer changed to, "Lord move us back to our idea of 'home' please or change our heart for here." Surrender. God's timing is perfect and in hindsight much of what we've walked through, particularly since last October, and what we continue to walk forward in, is beginning to make God-sense to us. He's good like that.

 

This house marks the end of our now season. It's our next home and we'll be in it in a few short weeks. Hal-le-lu-jah! And, I'll be honest folks, it's more than I could ask or imagine. Humbled and trembling before our mighty and awesome God!

 

The exciting part is watching His hand unfold crazy things ONLY He could do. No, the Lord's arm is NOT too short (Numbers 11:23, Isaiah 59:1), although I forget that sometimes in the midst of emotions, feelings (that are not fact) and the chaos called living on this earth. There are so many things involved with this move that only He can orchestrate, fix, calm, take care of, reveal, maneuver. Really. Makes me all tingly inside to see how He will do it!

"I asked the Lord for help and He answered me. He saved me from all that I feared." -Psalm 34:4 (NCV)