Sunday, July 28, 2013

Oh The Ugly

Yes, this is a picture of a broom and there is plenty of trash for it to sweep up. Oh, like the trash I allow to hang out in my heart. Instead of genuinely giving it up to the Lord, I've been choosing to stew in it. Get all frothy and angry and irritated and why isn't anything changing God? You said it would? I've even thrown a little temper tantrum or two, to be truthful, just not necessarily out loud. Okay, so maybe once or twice out loud. Just keeping it real here. I can tell you is doesn't get me anywhere except maybe angrier and more aggravated and a whole lot of no fun to be around. And, if I'm really honest, a bit entitled-feeling. There, I said it. Lots of ugly going on and no resolution that I can see and I've been feeling sorry for myself. It's not so much pretty people.
It's also what I know not to do as a Daughter of the King. Pain over what feels like forever is hard to hand over to The Healer. There are things I don't understand, and I don't "have to" understand them, just trust that God doesn't allow anything that isn't for my good and His Glory, even if it hurts. Sounds so cliché, but I've been there and more than once. In the fire it stinks and it is hard. On the other side, beauty from ashes. Really. Seems this season is more difficult than others. Maybe because my sweet Momma is in heaven. Maybe it's hormones or maybe I am finally grown weary of living, all 5 of us, in a very small space or maybe I'm not leaning into Him like I say that I am. Ouch. What I know is we are a family. We are together and we have a Savior who has made promises that we are waiting (and the wait at times is tough and long and makes absolutely no sense), and lately, with willful anticipation, at what our hearts know and our eyes yet do not see, so we can shout out His glory because, as a reminder to myself, it IS coming.
Humbled beyond words. Asking forgiveness and choosing to hand the broom over to Him and let Him do some cleaning in my heart.
Oh, how He loves us.

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