I'm making dinner. The hubs and kids are at the pool. I am listening to my Playlist on iTunes. And, I am broken. Weeping before a Holy God. My mind wanders through the places it is led. Some places I don't like. Places I feel inclined to judge. Lots of things. Someone's behavior choices. Another's lack of appropriate choices. Angry at the kids caught in the crossfire. I see the destruction. Hearts broken and bleeding and trying to fake it. I’m angry I'm not making better choices, setting a better example. Especially with my words. Ugly words. Angry at the times I see myself being okay with "common," instead of standing against it and walking in God's "normal." Getting frustrated because I can’t force people to see it that way. Why am I not making what is important, important. And, what is important? To act justly. To love mercy. To walk humbly with our God. (Micah 6:8)
I find myself fighting the lie that it has to be done "my" way or it's not right. And, the Lord gently shows me how "my" way isn't necessarily the only way or the right way and my job is to pray others to and through what He has planned.
I am overwhelmed by the ugliness of this world. I want to be a big mother hen and pull my kids and, some days my husband, close and protect them from all that is evil. But God ... He jumped right in the middle. He loved people. Where they were. He was not changed, never changed by the world He was in. He never waivered, never compromised, never judged sinners because sinners' sin. It's their job. He just loved. He talked to the Father and trusted Him and His plan. He breathed His Heavenly Father and spilled Him on everyone He met and in everything He did. He walked forward to the cross with us in mind. He loved. He loves me. And, because He loves me, I have no excuse not to love, forgive, serve and love some more.
God help me. To look fully to You for every-last-stinking-small-insignificant-thing to every huge-brawling-going-to-drown-me-thing. Every.single.moment.of.the.day. That’s where I want to be … on my knees, always, talking with the Most Holy God.
"Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."
- Psalm 51:7 (NIV)